Supressing my body's awareness
As I got older I started using drugs and then alcohol to get away from the pain. This went on for a lot of years and when I could no longer get away from the stomach pain I sought other answers. The furthest I could get with those answers, was that I must diet. So I would change what I ate and still the pain persisted. I then thought I must be eliminating the wrong foods or not eating the right foods or not doing the right exercise. I went on every and any diet you could imagine. I tried every alternative thing I could find.
I tried homeopathy, Chinese medicine, Ayurveda, fasting, juicing, cleansing, parasite cleansing, yoga, Pilates, running, reiki, massage, physiotherapy, psychotherapy, gluten-free, dairy-free, vegetation, you name it, I did it in spades. But even with occasional reprieve, the pain and tension would inevitably return.
Who does This Belong To?
Meanwhile I had also been learning about the idea of ‘who does this belong to?’. Which is basically the awareness that you are aware and picking up on everyone else’s thoughts, feelings and emotions like a psychic sponge. I started practicing asking, who does this belong to, for every thought, feeling and emotion I had with incredible results. As soon as I asked the question, if it wasn’t mine it totally lightened up.
Yet the stomach pain persisted and persisted. It would lighten up slightly and come back full throttle whereas I was having huge success with ‘who does it belong to’ regarding feeling and emotions.
Fast forward, to a holiday in Australia in 2011.
I awoke one morning before the sun due to jet lag. I was standing in the kitchen at first light and all the sudden a pain came into my stomach. This was the first time I really noticed it not being there and then all of a sudden it was there! It was so black and white that I could not brush it out of my awareness. So I asked quietly in my head “who’s is this?”.
Then I heard faintly two mens voices talking down the road. As soon as my attention went to these men the pain in my stomach completely disappeared.
And then I got it! Wow this was my body telling me about what was going on with these men and their density. My body had been communicating this information to me all of my life about different bodies and people and I had never made the connection that it was my body giving me information. This was the first time I got the depth of awareness my body really had and how lightning quick it was.
In addition to getting for the first time how dynamic and quick my bodies awareness was, I started getting how intense all this awareness was. I had to really be present and relax as I sensed what was going on for these men down the road who I didn’t even know.
If I took my attention off of them my stomach began to cramp, if I kept my attention present with them just being there listening to their faint voices, my stomach pain would soften. Allowing myself to be aware of them, I could sense how angry one of the men was. There was no logical explication for this I just started knowing what was going on with these men in ways they probably didn’t even acknowledge for themselves.
After a few minutes of being intensely present with my body and the men down the street the energy began to dissipate and my stomach was completely free.
Acknowledging My Body's Awareness
The awareness my body was giving me in its stomach didn’t stop after that but this was the beginning of practicing honouring my bodies awareness and thanking it for the info rather than mistaking it as mine and dreading it without end.
Acknowledgment of my body’s awareness completely transformed the way I lived my life. I became pro-active about acknowledging awareness rather than seeking the ever-escape of awareness I had practised for so much of my life previously.
As soon as my stomach started hurting I had to start looking at what my body was telling me and let me tell you what! The level of upset, anger, force and judgment that I began to have to acknowledge in people’s spaces was astronomical. It was almost unbelievable to me. Yet the more I acknowledged it and was in allowance of it the less and less my stomach hurt.
There is so much we are aware of yet how many of us are taught how to deal with it other than to shut off from it in whatever way we can. This ‘shut off’ however does have side effects, like my tummy hurting for example.
I won’t lie, as I began to practice acknowledging awareness it was not easy, but like with all things the more I did it the easier and better at it I got.
Is there anything going on in your body that might be your awareness of the world around you?